I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
