When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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