just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
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