Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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