If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
