I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Randomize
