Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
