How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
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