i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
