Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
problem. drunk. stepbrother hitting on me again. help.
I cannot find my penis.
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
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