i barfeds in our rink
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Randomize
