First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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