I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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