Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
