Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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