I wish I could punch you in the face.
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
