I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
