I accidentally burped into my bong.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Randomize
