so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Randomize
