All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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