You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
