I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
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