I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Randomize
