is your mom at the bar?
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
