The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
i wish my penis had a tongue
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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