I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Randomize
