she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
