all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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