I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
