You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Randomize
