they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
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