1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize