New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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