I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Randomize
