i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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