so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
