My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Randomize
