Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
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