having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
