10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
