I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
