these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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