I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Randomize
