you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
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