There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Randomize
