pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
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