Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
