Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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