I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Randomize
