I cannot find my penis.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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