someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
