A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
