do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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