I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
