I'm eating all of the evidence.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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