Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Randomize