I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
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