I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
