Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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