wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
